Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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