I wish I could teleport
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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