I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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