Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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