I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She needs sedatives and a leash
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Someone came in the potted fern
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
