you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
