Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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