Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
