grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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