Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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