"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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