i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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