did you get engaged???
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
