I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
