Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
