was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
