I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
