Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
