Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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