Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
