I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
