i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
