if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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