I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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