My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
