How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
