So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
