I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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