we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
