8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
