Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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