last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
