idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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