Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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