I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
