I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
