If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
