I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She bit a glass in half.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
