No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
