No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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