I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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