If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
