my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
