I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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