this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
