He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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