you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
