Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on