me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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