sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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