I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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