Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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