he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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