I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
