she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
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ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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