broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
