I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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