I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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