Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
