Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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