you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Girls should come with a carfax report
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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